The Hero The Council Deserves
by Ni'Rala vas Qwib Qwib
Summary: ...but definitely not the one it needs right now! Conrad Verner is here to kick asses and worship Shepard...and he's all outta Shepards! Joined by his 'trusty' companions, the Biotic God, a quarian slave and others, he's off to save the galaxy! It'll be along journey. But don't worry, his wife packed sandwiches!
1. Conrad Verner, out of retirement!

**Conrad Verner, out of retirement!**

Illium. A dirty planet shrouded in dark, darky darkness. Darkness that hid endless doors of possibility. But opening those doors usually involved proper identification. But the _dumpsters_ of possibility were open to all...anyone with a will to save this miserable slum of a galaxy we call home. And he was just the dumpster diver for the job! Like a...

Like a…

Uh…

Oh bunnies! Internal monologues are harder than he thought.

Conrad Verner sat at the head of the bar looking like a cool lone ranger. Or rather he didn't, but he thought he did, and it's the thought that counts. He called to the asari working the bar, "Bartender, another warm milk!"

Matriarch Aethyta rolled her eyes, "Who comes to a bar for warm milk?"

"My wife won't let me have anything alcoholic. She says it's the first step to every mistake."

"Does she now."

"Yup! She told me this story, there was this one girl who got really drunk one night and woke up married to this idiot...then she looked at me and started crying. The story was very touching."

It was official, he was the dumbest customer she'd ever served, "What're you still doing here? I thought you'd leave once that Commander helped you with your, ah, 'mission'. Someone have it out for me again? What'd they tell you this time? That I was a front for sentient trafficking? That's legal too, by the way."

Conrad shook his head solemnly, "No...I've left that life behind me. It's just...what I've done, the things I've seen...I'm not sure I can go back to being boring ol' Conrad."

"Kid, I don't think you were ever boring."

"Thanks," Conrad smiled.

"That wasn't a compliment." she finished and turned to the volus next to him. She slid him glass of water and some aspirin. "Here, take this. It'll help you come down."

The volus took it gratefully, "Thank you, kind soul." He took the meds and put them in the water. As they dissolved he took a straw and stuck it in his induction port. He sipped the misty water gratefully.

"Rough day, pal?" Conrad asked.

"The worst," he sighed and took a long sip, draining half the glass.

"Me too, I've finished what may be the most important chapter in my life. I don't know how I'll ever move on," Conrad lamented, "What about you?"

"Oh, it is a tale," he began. "I was in a trance. I believed myself to have ascended, becoming a biotic god, capable of capturing the galaxy in my mighty grip! Of course, it wall all because of the drugs..."

But Conrad had stopped listening after the words 'biotic god'. Surely this meeting could be no mere chance! It was a sign from the universe, saying that his work was not yet done!

But no...no, he promised the Commander that his heroic journey was over. He couldn't let his best buddy worry about him while they was off saving the galaxy. It would tear Shepard apart...he had to do let it go. For the Commander…

Then he heard a pair speaking behind him, "You said the Synthetic insights rep would buy me!"

"Easy, it's just a minor setback. We'll get you sold before you know it."

What was this? Slavery?! Two signs in thirty seconds...the universe must be working overtime to make the message clear! But his promise to the Commander…

But the universe…

But the Commander…

Truly a conundrum even the greatest minds could never solve!

"First that asari rep, then that turian military guy and that human jackass...you've been nothing but a headache for me," the asari complained.

"Hey, none of that was my fault!"

The Commander's words, and concern...how could he ever do that to his loving mentor?

But…

But…

 _Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh!_ This was just too perfect to resist!

Conrad stood up and grabbed his fellow bar patron, "Biotic God, I need your assistance!"

The volus was still blabbering about his story when he was interrupted, "Huh, wha? My name is Niftu Cal-"

"No time for that, there's an innocent to save!"

Conrad grabbed his unwilling companion and dragged him to the center of the bar. "Oh biscuits, not again..."

Conrad walked up to the asari and her quarian for sale and struck a dramatic pose, "You there, unhand this poor woman this instant!"

The asari turned, "Who the hell are you?"

"The name's Shepard. _Commander_ Shepard!" he paused, "Wait, daydreaming again. Gimme a do-over."

"Are you seri-"

"The name's Verner! _Conrad_ Verner! And you'll be answering to _me_ for your crimes!"

"Oh great. Another one. Look, this is a mutually agreed upon, _legal_ contract of inden-."

"No excuses, slaver! Me and my buddy here won't stand for it!"

Niftu Cal looked like he could hardly stand at all "How do I keep getting myself into these situations?" he asked woozily.

Conrad nudged his new friend in the shoulder, "Because the universe has brought us together!"

His nudge sent Niftu tumbling over a nearby table, which was covered in red sand. His head landed right in the pile and sent the stuff right into his olfactory filters.

The two turians stood up, "Hey, watch it ammonia-head! That stuff's expensive!"

The asari sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "No matter what you think about our business, this practice is perfectly legal. I have permission from the owner to operate here!"

"She's right, I agreed to this. Please don't get involved, this is hard enough without anyone else trying to save me!" the quarian said.

"Keep this up and I'll report you to the authorities," the saleswoman threatened.

Conrad refused to back down. "You think your threats scare me? I've taken down red sand dealers in this very bar, I even got shot in the foot, but I got the job done! I'll do whatever it takes to stop you!"

"Indeed!" the three turned to see Niftu Cal rise from the pile of red sand. He glowed with biotic wisps. "I rise again, renewed with holy purpose. My great wind shall devour all who stand against me! For I am the Biotic God, and you shall fear me!"

He released a small burst of biotic energy. It missed the asari and hit a glass on the table behind her. The glass leaned on its side, hovering for a moment before toppling over and spilling liquor all over the table.

"I'm not cleaning that up!" the bartender yelled.

"Excellent work, my biotic friend!" Conrad said, "That was a warning shot, the next one will surely blast you through the wall unless you surrender!"

The quarian looked from the volus to the spill. "A great wind, huh? I've seen sneezes more powerful than that."

Conrad struck a dramatic pose, pointing at the vile woman! "Do not fear, innocent! You'll be safe soon enough. That was merely a taste of what my friend and I have in store! Because I'm Conrad Verner, and I've," he paused dramatically, "got some asses to kick!"

"You're _all_ going to get your asses kicked if you don't **stop fighting in my bar**!" Martiarch Aethyta stormed up to the group, "I'm feeling a powerful urge to headbutt someone, and I don't discriminate. You'll all leave here equally brain damaged."

The asari saleswoman blanked for several moments, finally throwing her arms up in surrender, "You know what? Fine! This quarian has been nothing but trouble since she arrived! _YOU_ can take her!"

" _WHAT?!"_ the quarian screamed.

"Really? And she'll be free?" Conrad lit up.

"Free? No, she wo _oooooh_ yes, of course! I just need you to sign a few forms and, uh, promise me to take care of her! Yeah, that'll work."

"Sure! I don't mind having her tag along as a free quarian."

"That's not how this works!" she screamed desperately.

She handed him some paperwork, her contract. The quarian gripped the saleswoman, "This can't be legal! You can't send me off with this...this...this idiot!"

"Hush, I'm finally going to be free of this headache! Once he signs, you do exactly what he says, or I'll literally bury you under your debt paperwork!"

"Keelah, this can't be happening!" she whined and clutched her harder.

Conrad happily signed the forms and handed them back, "I'm finished!"

"At last! The headache's all yours!" The slaver said with stars in her eyes.

"She must be talking to me," the indentured servant said as the asari ran out of the bar before he could change his mind. Never had the bouncer seen a person so joyous.

Conrad had made someone very happy today.

Conrad held his head high in victory. Another mission accomplished. Without a doubt, this was his calling! "This is a sign, the galaxy needs heroes like us!"

The Biotic God nodded, then tilted and nearly fell over, "I agree...I once aimed to bend the galaxy to my whim. Becoming a hero, using these heavenly gifts for good, I...I shall try. My great wind shall join you to sweep away the injustices of this universe!"

"Your 'wind' couldn't sweep away a dust bunny." the quarian deadpanned.

Conrad didn't hear the insult. He was high as the Biotic God on hopes and dreams! "And you, are you ready for adventure?"

She wanted to say no, she wanted to say go breathe in the viruses of a thousand worlds and may your sinuses be congested until the homeworld is retaken. But out of the corner of her eye she saw her slaver peek around the corner and stare warningly at her, pointing at her contract.

"Charge," she said as enthusiastically as an elcor.

Conrad Verner stared at his comrades and saw greatness. He looked at his stumbling biotic friend, and he saw greatness! He looked at his quarian servant slouched over in despair and he saw greatness! And he would be the one to lead them to realize their greatness in this dark, darky world!

"Alright team, let's go save the galaxy!"

"Just get the hell outta my bar!"

 _And so their journey begins! What adventures awaits our heroes? What powerful enemies shall they face, and how the hell are they supposed to survive? Are we_ really _doing this?!_

 _Find out next time in:_

 **Conrad Verner, poetry slam!**


	2. Conrad Verner, Poetry Slam!

**Conrad Verner, Poetry slam!**

Ah, it was good to be saving the galaxy again!

Or rather...it was good to be taking the first baby steps to saving the galaxy again! Turns out saving the galaxy was expensive. People expected people to pay for medical care! And transportation! Which meant they needed…

"YOU'RE BROKE!?"

...that.

Conrad lifted his hands defensively. "I like to think of it as 'a fresh playthrough'."

"We're going to starve you bumbling bafoon!" The Quarian screamed.

"That's not true! We have a lovely assortment of dumpsters to dive-"

"That's disgusting! I couldn't even eat it!"

"Well now you're just being picky."

"I. Am. A. Quarian!"

"Wheeeeeeee!" Niftu soared between them. "Guys! Guys! I see...colors!"

Conrad patted his shoulder, "Good job keeping the watch, buddy."

The Quarian helmet-palmed, "Great. He's gone from high and mighty to just high."

Conrad pumped his fist, "Don't worry, team. We may be down, but there's nowhere to go but up!"

"Up? But what about..." Niftu looked at his hand and wonder, "What happened to down? Is it on vacation?"

The Quarian looked at Niftu, "Oh, there's going to be a _lot_ of coming down for you."

"Let's look around. There's gotta be someone around here in need of heroism. I bet they'll even give us a reward!"

The Quarian tilted her head, "You mean someone off the streets. That doesn't actually happen in real life, engine-fodde-"

"There!" Conrad pointed to an Asari pinching the bridge of here nose. A krogan was making grand gestures at her a short distance away. To this average person, this was a sign to be left alone.

To Conrad, this screamed 'Hello brave hero! Come save now please I have reward!'

"Hello there, citizen! Are you in need of heroism?"

Niftu bumbled along, humming tunelessly. The Quarian sighed, "No. No, there's no way this actually works. Maybe I should just go, he probably won't noti-" the asari slavebroker poked out from behind a corner and pointed menacingly at her contract with a promising glare, before disappearing.

"...did that just happen?"

The asari turned to Conrad, "Uh, who are you?"

Conrad puffed out his chest, "The name's Conrad Verner, hero of the galaxy (pending), protégé and bestest buddy of Commander Shepard. These are my counterparts, Niftu Cal the Biotic God, and the Quarian."

The Quarian froze. "You don't know my name, do you?"

She stared warily at him, "Um, hi. Look, is there something I can do for you?"

Conrad grinned, "It's' not what you can do for I, but what I can do for you."

"Uh...huh."

"Seriously, how do you not know my name?"

He pointed to The Krogan, "Is this citizen bothering you, other citizen?"

She looked at The Krogan, who was still spouting awful poetry as if he hadn't noticed she was occupied, "Oh Blue Rose of Illium, let your roots dig deep into the hot soil of Tuchanka!"

"Oh, him." She sighed, "Look, that's just my boyfriend. We're taking a break, and he's trying to show me how 'sensitive' he is."

"You're just going to keep ignoring me, aren't you." The Quarian said.

"And is he disturbing you?" Conrad asked.

"Thought so." The Quarian sighed.

"I mean I think he's scaring away some of my customers, but why should I care? I'm just a clerk. And the owner can go fu-"

"Fear not, citizen!" Conrad announced dramatically, "I shall deal with this menace on your behalf!"

She blinked, "'Kay..."

Conrad strolled up to The Krogan with undeserved confidence. His two companions followed, slumped over for very different reasons.

He ignore them. "Let our scorching sun and sheeting rain turn your supple beauty into strength!"

"You there! Cease your harassment of the innocent this instant!"

The Krogan finally paused, "Oh, are you here to make fun of me too? Well go ahead! So what if I once pointed a rifle the wrong way! So what if I'm scared of spiders! I may be krogan, but I have a beautiful soul, and I will show it to my beloved!"

Conrad nodded 'sagely'. "I see. Then there is only one way to stop you...by beating you at your own game!"

He pointed dramatically, "Krogan! For all your crimes and pesti...pesticides?"

"Pestilences." The Quarian sighed.

"-pestilences, I challenge you...to a poetry slam!"

" _Dun dun duuuuuuun!_ " Niftu groaned, before giggling like a schoolgirl.

The Krogan lit up, "Ah, a chance to show my strength to my beloved! I accept!"

The Quarian stared in disbelief, "Hooooooow?"

Conrad and The Krogan circled each other with predatory gaze. "Begin, human."

"Gladly." Conrad smirked and assumed his 'poetry stance'.

"Yo! The name's Conrad Verner

And I'm here to say,

I'm here to save the galaxy

so get outta my way!

My loyal crew at my back-"

"Lies"

"-you just ain't fit.

So get outta my sight, 'cuz I've...

...got some asses to kick!"

The krogan nodded approvingly, "Impressive Verner. But your blunt force poetry is no match for my grand flowing prose!"

The krogan placed a hand over his heart and began,

"The great sun Tuchanka shines brightly this day.

The day that I blast you, until nothing remains!

The burden of my people, though great it can be,

It has given me strength, enough to crush you beneath me!

"No!" Conrad shouted, wounded.

"I trained with the masters, come from disasters,

My heart is a blaster, my lips are the caster!

Now go ahead, I won't blame you to run,

Because I've already won this, at the end of round one!"

"Ah!" Conrad cried, "He's strong! Biotic god, take over!" He tagged him in and pulled the bumbling druggie to the forefront.

The stumbled, rolling forward like a bowling ball before his round form carried him back to his feet right in front of The Krogan. He looked up at the giant and chuckled.

"Your eyes are like...pudding cups.

So soft and delectable.

Could...could I please try some?

I promise I'll give them back after one bite."

"Good work, Biotic God! Lure him in!" Conrad shouted encouragingly.

"He's not even making sense!" The Quarian cried.

The Krogan scoffed, and readied his razor reply.

"My eyes belong only to my one true love,

The Blue Rose of Illium, not some rolly-polly thug!

My words are from the heart, not my ravenous gut.

Now shut your lips, all that emerges is smut."

The Biotic God shifted drunkenly on his feet, giggling, then falling on his back.

"Biotic God! Noooooo!" Conrad cried for his fallen friend.

The Krogan grinned haughtily, "Is that all you got?"

"Quarian! Take over!" Conrad cried as he ran to help his friend. He rolled him away from the battlefield like a beach ball.

She stared at Conrad, then at The Krogan, who shot her a reassuring smile. "Go on," he said.

"What?"

"It's your turn," he said politely.

"My...turn?"

"Oh yes. Please, take your time." He said like a true gentleman.

She stared at him, sighing and sloughing over.

"Keelah, I hate this.

Why am I stuck with this fool?

I want to go home."

The Krogan gasped, "Oh no...a haiku master!"

The Quarian looked at him shiftily,

"What, haiku master?

What are you talking about?

I'm just speaking here."

"Gah! There it is again!"

"Good job, Quarian! Keep going!" Conrad shouted encouragingly from the sidelines.

But the Krogan was would not be defeated so easily!

"I see you are skilled.

But I am no push-over!

I will play your game!"

Conrad Verner squealed from the sidelines. The haiku battle had begun!

She tilted her heard,

"But what's a haiku?

Can you at least explain it?

How am I winning?"

"But you will not win!"

I shall win this for my love.

Defeat is calling!"

She turned to Conrad,

"Conrad, really now?"

Am I going crazy too?

I blame you for this!"

"Eyes front, quarian!

That man is not your opponent!

Only I can...can..." He froze and went pale. "Oh no..."

"Aha! Too many syllables!" Conrad cried.

The Krogan recoiled with fear, "No...no, give me another chance!"

Conrad jumped into the center dramatically, "Excellent work, Quarian! I'll take it from here!"

The Quarian just stared before walking away, "Screw it. I don't even care anymore."

Conrad eyes the Krogan triumphantly as it took a step back, but today belonged to Team Verner!

"So now you see the strength of my team!

Together we're united, the thing of a dream!"

The Krogan recoiled as if punched.

"So go on and fall, we have nothing left to discuss.

Because no one will ever!"

Punched!

"Ever!"

Punched!

"be too much for us!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" The Krogan flew back and crashed on the ground, defeated. The few passer-bys who stopped to see what the commotion was tossed a few credits at their feet and went on their way.

The Biotic God stumbled up beside the Quarian, "That was...equilistrius!" it sounded like a word in his head.

"The battle of the Blockheads." The Quarian christened it.

Conrad walked up to the fallen Krogan, who held up his hand in a call for mercy, "I concede. Your team truly is...too strong for me."

"You were a worthy opponent." Conrad said.

The Krogan got up and walked over to his love in disgrace. "My Rose...no, my Rose no more...I have been shamed. I am sorry."

She sighed and pinched her nose, "Charr, you should have just talked with me in the first place!"

"I did not know if I was worthy...now it is clear I am not." He looked up at her finally, determined, "But I swear to you my love, I will become so!"

He turned to Conrad, "Human, your team is strong. Please, let me journey with you! I must grow under the suns of other worlds before I may blossom beside my love!"

Conrad grinned, "Welcome aboard, Charr!"

The Quarian slouched in defeat, "Great, another moron."

The Biotic God giggled menacingly, "Yes, keep him close...I will have those pudding cups yet!"

Charr turned to his very embarrassed love, who was motioning for him to hurry up, "Wait for my return, I will find my worth and come back to bloom with you."

"Yeah, sure. Just...go, please. I really need time to think about...everything,"

"I will, my Blue Rose!" he called, before running to the team. "Well team, what's our mission? Saving a star cluster? Defeating some ancient enemy from dark space?"

"Shuttle money." The Quarian groaned.

Charr lit up. "I'm a technician at the docks! I can get us a shuttle!"

"Really? Where can we go?"

"Anywhere you like!"

Conrad nodded, looking up at the heavens. At last, they would be open to him again! Hold on, galaxy...your savior is coming!

"To the Citadel, then. Our journey takes us to the heart of civilization!

The Quarian trailed after her far more enthusiastic teammates. "The Citadel...there must be someone sane there. Right?"

Right?

 _And so our 'heroes' continue to grow as another joins their merry band! What perils await them at the Citadel? Will they even arrive with what little sanity they possess remaining intact?_

 _Find out next time in:_

 **Conrad Verner: Stowaway Extraordinaire!**


	3. Conrad Verner, Stowaway Extraordinaire!

**Conrad Verner, Stowaway Extraordinaire!**

Standard transport ships have five classes for travelers. There was first class, with all the bells and whistles of luxury in the emptiness of space. Then there was business class, for the suits on the go. Next came the military class, with subsections for officers and enlisted. After them were the customer loyalty sections for the airline's dedicated passengers. Finally there was coach, or as those in first class called it, 'peasantville'.

But today was special. Today there was Conrad class! Also known as the cargo hold.

"Well gang, we're finally off on our journey! Excellent work getting us safe passage, Charr!"

The Quarian muttered, "I'm surrounded by suitcases and morons."

Charr beamed, "Don't worry, boss! Working in the docks means no one thinks twice about me inspecting the cargo hold!"

"Don't they get suspicious when you don't come out?" Conrad asked.

"Nah! I get lost in here all the time!"

She mused, "There are pyjaks in the corner. With blankets and food. Why are they treated better than me?"

Conrad pumped his fist, "Next stop, the Citadel! I first met Commander Shepard down there in the wards. It's where I found my purpose in life!"

"I'm being ignored again..."

Charr sighed, "I've never been to the Citadel. Do you think there are any fish on the Presidium? I'd like to catch one."

"One of the pyjak threw its feces at me."

"Nah, if you want good food you have to camp out behind the fancy restaurants and wait for them to dump their trash. Look for the Assagio's name on a blue dumpster. Best lasagna I've ever tasted!"

"Why couldn't it have been Conrad?"

Niftu Cal snored on top of a luxurious flowery travel bag. He quivered and shot up. "Huh? I just had the strangest dream..."

Conrad lit up, "Biotic God! I hope you've recovered your power."

Niftu looked at him curiously, "Biotic God? What? Where am I?" He sounded afraid. He looked over the team, and shrieked, "Who are you people!?"

Conrad was about to say something (stupid) when the entire ship suddenly trembled like a mariachi shaker. "What was that?"

A soft voice echoed through the hull. It was a pleasant VI, like one you'd hear in a shopping mall welcoming you inside. "Attention passengers, it appears we're being boarded! Please stay calm and allow our trained professionals to handle the situation. Have a pleasant day!"

Seconds passed, someone screamed, "We're all gonna die!"

Most people would be terrified of their circumstances. Most people weren't (as stupid as) Conrad! "Ooh, a new conflict!"

Niftu groaned, "Oh no...please, what's going on?"

The Quarian said, "I've been asking that since I was enslaved to this moron."

Charr squirmed, "Guys...I've got an emergency."

"No shit." She scoffed.

"...I gotta go to the bathroom!"

She deadpanned, "We're being boarded and you're worried about your bladder!?"

"I've been holding it in since takeoff!"

Niftu held his head and whined, "Ooh, that's it. I'm off the stuff for good this time, I swear..."

A loud thomping was heard overhead, "Alright, everyone stay calm and no one gets hurt! Get all your fancies and shinies and hand 'em over to us!"

Niftu hitched, "Oh no...these guys are the real thing."

Conrad was giddy with excitement, "I know! Isn't it awesome!?"

The Quarian said, "You should go introduce yourself. I'm sure it will go _wonderfully_."

"Good idea! Charr, lift me up to the hatch!"

Charr picked him up. "Please look for a restroom."

Conrad stepped on his hand and unlatched the covering. "On three. One...two...six...fourtee-"

"YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO COUNT!?" The Quarian shrieked.

"Three!"

Charr raised him high with all his force, which was too much. Conrad was launched through the covering, upending the bloodpack vorcha who was standing on it and bashing his head into the ceiling. He collapsed to the floor. The bloodpack krogan leader watched it all happen. "Huh. Is he dead?"

Conrad was face down, his face in the soft aisle carpet. But he held up his hand firmly and spoke defiantly into the floor, "Cease your hostilities, fiend!"

Charr hastily lifted himself up and scanned the compartment filled with quivering bodies. His eyes locked onto the facilities near the end. "Bathroom! Bathroom emergency!" He covered his quads in a potty dance and dashed through the crowd, bashing through two armed vorcha and trampling a third to death before slamming the bathroom door shut. The entire cabin heard his relief.

The krogan stared, and began to laugh. "Hehehe...this can't be for real. Who are you?"

Conrad found his feet and challenged the Blood pack leader, "The name's Conrad Verner, defender of the downtrodden and slinger of wicked verses, yo!"

The Quarian lifted herself out of the compartment behind him.

"With my crew at my back, we will stop your horrible crimes!"

She immediately stepped out from behind his back by sitting down in a nearby seat. "Don't mind me. I'm just along for the ride."

A turian next to her asked, "Weren't you with him down-"

"I'm not with stupid. I'm-" The slavebroker's head popped out from the seat in front of her and pointed menacingly to her contract.

The Quarian blinked. "You can't...oh keelah, it's contagious!"

Niftu Cal bumbled out of the hatch and looked around. Conrad beamed, "Biotic God, excellent timing."

"Biotic huh? I'm-" He stumbled into a wall storage locker. It fell open and an orange bag fell right on top of him, spilling red sand all over his suit and up his filters.

A salarian stood up, "Hey, that's myyyyyyyyy-I have no idea where that came from."

Niftu shifted, breathed deep, and paused. Then he looked up at the krogan with unknown determination and zealousness. "I have returned."

The krogan pirate was too amused to draw his weapon. "The beach ball wants to fight?"

"I am round because I am bursting with power. This suit strains to contain my might! I am a sun in suit form! Now experience my radiant biotic might!"

The Biotic God unleashed an outward burst of biotic power! It was so powerful it managed to waft a fraction of the red sand into the air! Powerfully! The crowd coughed as they inhaled the sand. The Biotic God stood there in the flurry of red dust and sighed, "Yes, your blood circling my great mass is all that remains!"

The tiny god standing so haughtily amused the krogan, who laughed more. "Okay, okay, this is a joke, right? Where are the hidden cameras?"

Charr stepped out of the bathroom. "Oh, you have no idea how much I needed-OH MY GOD I KILLED THEM!"

The blood pack warrior was heaving, gasping for air to sustain his laughter, "Oh! Oh this is too good! Oh, there goes one of my hearts!"

Conrad grinned with undeserved confidence and raised his hand cannon. "My team has softened you up for me. It's time to end this! For you see, I've...got some asses to kick!"

The krogan wiped his lips, "Oh, is it time to fight now? It was just getting good." He readied his shotgun.

The Quarian was suddenly very interested. She peered over the seat in front of her and cheered, "Do it do it do it do it do it do it~!"

Conrad stared down the barrel and declared, "You don't frighten me, brigand! Your reign of terror ends today!"

"Take the first shot, human!"

"With pleasure!"

Conrad fired! Confetti and streamers burst forth all over the doomed krogan!

He stared. "What...was...that?"

Conrad smiled and admired his gun. "Yeah, real guns are expensive. I'm still saving up."

"...heh…heh heh...hahahahahaha HAHAHAHA!" The krogan fell to the floor with endless laughter. "Oh! Oh this is too perfect! Oh! Oh there goes my backup heart! Oh! Oh! Oh..." He stopped moving, dead with a smile on his face.

The bloodpack vorcha stared at their fallen leader in disbelief. "Hes...dead? For real?"

The Quarian bowed her head and sobbed.

Conrad blew on his party popper, "Another day saved, thanks to Conrad Verner!"

The passengers were to high on red sand to cheer.

The vorcha looked to the bane of their great leader. One of them said, "Teach us your ways!"

Conrad held up a hand, "Very well! But you must swear to use these powers for good!"

"We will!" They lied.

And so Conrad taught the vorcha everything he knew. He taught them about blind courage, a quick wit and standing up to any challenge with a gun full of confetti. And when they arrived at the Citadel these brave vorcha parted ways to seek their fortunes as mercenaries extraordinaire with the skills taught to them by Conrad Verner himself.

They all died horribly.

 _Once again our protagonist overcomes impossible odds through bravery and a party favor and has finally arrived in the heart of galactic society! What new foes await them in this melting pot of culture and desire?_

 _Find out next time in:_

 **Conrad Verner, Gets Top Billing!**


	4. Conrad Verner, Gets Top Billing!

**Conrad Verner, Gets Top Billing!**

A journey, no matter how minuscule or grand, must have its first steps. And all first steps, bound by the will of almighty gravity, had their starting place, the soil where dreams were born from. The location of the catalyst that triggered the neurons and forged an unbreakable drive among them that pushed the protagonist into their heroes journey. It would often be forgotten, ravaged and neglected by time as new locations took center stage at the climax, but its importance would always live on in the minds of those who were inspired.

Conrad stared at the point of his inspiration at the top of the stairs in the shops of the ward. A non-imposing stretch of tile in desperate need of polish. It sparkled as brilliantly as the Commander's confidence in him!

He pointed to it, "Well gang, this is it. This is where it all began."

Charr said, "They will sing songs about the top of this staircase!"

The Quarian silently walked over to the point of Conrad's pride, and stomped on it.

Charr hummed, "Ah, she already begins the beat!"

Conrad teared up, "I know, gets me emotional too."

Charr wiped a tear from his eye, "Oh lonely corner in the darkness of the wards, take heart, for your memory will live ever onwards."

The Biotic God stumbled, "Yes, I feel great power here. My biotics rage in awe and wonder."

"Those! Are! The! Drugs!" She screamed.

Conrad wiped the tear from his eye and said, "Well, let's get going. It's just after lunch, the Assagio should be throwing out leftovers by now!"

Just before they could leave, a salarian started screaming as he climbed the stairs, "Yes, yes, I know our co-lead dropped out! Look, we'll just have to find someone else to-" He looked up, and spotted Conrad. "-hold that thought!"

He sprinted up to Conrad with awe and wonder, as if he were the answer to all his prayers. "Sir! Where did you get that armor?"

Conrad blushed, "Oh, you know. They make really convincing replicas if you're willing to pay."

The Quarian asked, "What was the price? Your brain? No. No, you never had one to begin with."

The Salarian waved him off, "Shut up, don't care! Look, the lead in our vid just dropped out. They were supposed to play the first human spectre. You've already got the armor, and I'm up a cloaca without PPE. So my question to you is: will you be my vid's Commander Shepard?"

Somewhere in the wards, the ceiling opened up to cast radiant light upon Conrad Verner, and a flight of angels descended with melodious harps casting a soothing gospel to calm him on his flight to heaven, for surely he must have died and be on his way.

He reached out and clasped the salarian's shoulders and said, "You have no idea how long I've been ready for this day!"

The salarian beamed, "Great! And you even come with extras! Just fantastic!"

The Biotic God asked, "My mind is fogged with biotic might. Remind me, was Shepard a man or a woman?"

Conrad, always the winner of Shepard trivia night (also the only player of Shepard trivia night) said, "Shepard's a-"

"Nobody cares about the details! Now come along, shooting is already underway!"

Charr lit up like the lead in Elcor Hamlet. "I will dedicate my performance to my blue rose of Illium!"

The Quarian lit up like a normal person watching Elcor Hamlet. "Maybe I can play dead, and just stay that way."

Conrad and his trio of followers traveled to the set in the upper wards. The salarian burst through the door to the sound stage and announced, "He's here! We can continue the shoot! Everyone, to your places! Get the co-star!"

Crewmembers woke up from their naps and began bolting around the half-finished set trying to prepare for the shoot.

The Biotic God stood resolute, he would have been imposing if he didn't look like a petulant child. "You there, who is in charge of this production?"

The salarian who brought them here said, "That's me."

"I demand a close-up to expose my grandeur to the world!"

The salarian rubbed his chin and nodded, "Yes, I got it! You'll be the lead henchman!"

Another salarian came up to the director, "Boss, the actor playing the big bad just quit too!"

"Why?"

"He said the script was written by a five-year-old!"

"What? How dare he mock my daughter's finest-ah, no matter!" He pointed to Charr, "You there! You'll be the villain!"

Charr placed his hand over his heart, "I will bring all my soul to this performance!"

"And you, Quarian! You'll play the damsel in distress for our heroes to save!"

"No."

"What? Why?"

She pointed to Conrad, "I refuse to be-"

The asari slave broker peered over the director's shoulder and pointed menacingly to her contract. She turned around, not even questioning her sanity anymore. "Fine. You know what, I don't care anymore."

"Excellent! Assistant, bring out He-who-has-his-tentacles-stuck-up-his-own-radial-canal!"

The assistant did, bringing along a giant hanar.

Charr gasped, covering his mouth with his hands, "It cannot be...do my eyes deceive me?"

"Do you know this one, pudding-eyes?" The Biotic God asked.

Charr squeed, "It's Blasto!"

The hanar flinched as it saw Conrad, "Is this the one who will play the Commander?"

Conrad giggled when he was reminded, "Heehee, yeah, that's me!"

He got close, "This one would advise keeping one's distance. Top billing will not be relinquished so easily."

Conrad grinned, "Aww, thanks for the concern, new buddy. I bet we're gonna be great friends!"

"This one is dealing with a moron."

The Quarian froze, and nearly fell to her knees in salvation. "Someone noticed! Thank you!"

The director shouted, "Alright, alright, everyone to your places! It's time to begin!"

Everyone took their places, Charr at one end with the Quarian and Blasto and Conrad at the other. The Quarian looked around, "Why is the set blank?"

The director said, "We'll fill it in with CGI later. CGI is all the rage nowadays! It's cool! Nobody will care!"

"Do we at least get the script?"

"No time! It's all about the heart! The passion! Improvise!"

"An entire movie?"

Charr teared up, "Yes! Let us throw our hearts at the camera and show them our fervor!"

The director called, "Quiet on the set! Blasto 5, The Spectres Strike Back. Lights! Camera! Action!"

Blasto hovered forward, "Commander Shepard, this one believes we have found our prey. The Council will be pleased."

Conrad stared off dumbly into space with a look of nirvana covering his face.

The director hissed, "Verner, say your lines!"

Conrad hitched back to reality, "Could you...call me Shepard again?"

"No."

The director waved his arms in a circle, "Keep going! Keep going!"

"Aw, bunnies. Okay, here goes." Conrad breathed deep and puffed out his chest. "We have you now! Let the damsel go!"

All eyes turned to the Quarian, who stood there like a pedestrian waiting for a bus. "What?"

"Say your line!" The director hissed.

She sighed and looked to the 'heroes'. "Oh help me, brave spectres! You're my only-bleh!" She heaved, held up a finger, "Sorry...I just threw up in my helmet."

Conrad gasped, "Oh no! The villain has infected her!"

"There is only one way for these ones to bring this conflict to an end: with gratuitous violence."

Charr stood haughtily and proclaimed, "Foolish spectres! Did you think I would not foresee your arrival? I am always five, no TEN steps ahead of the Council's lapdogs! For I am Maralek of Kraskir, and I have come for vengeance upon all of Citadel space for the crimes against me and my people! For you see, what I was young, I blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah! Tragic backstory blah blah, blah blah blah blah motivation blah blah blah..."

 **~Two hours later~**

"-and so with my krantt gone, it was left to me alone to carry out the will of our glorious leader! And today I fulfill that oath, and all shall feel my Tuchankan wrath!"

The 'spectres' were snoring. His hostage was snoring. The director was snoring. Everyone was snoring.

Suddenly the director jerked awake, "Huwha? Is he done? He's done! Everybody wake up!"

Conrad and He-who-has-his-tentacles-stuck-up-his-own-radial-canal stirred, the former wrapped in the latter's tentacles. The hanar woke first, eyed their situation, and proclaimed, "This one is surprisingly comfortable with this."

Conrad yawned, "See? I knew we'd be best buddies."

Charr leaned down and shook the Quarian, "Hey, time to wake up."

She shoved his arm away, "No. I'm just done. Please stop talking to me, I want to pretend this is all a bad dream."

Blasto said, "Your efforts to bore us to death are admirable, but fruitless. Your end draws ever nearer."

"Yeah, what buddy #4 said!"

Charr laughed with confidence, "Oh, but you have yet to reveal my ultimate minion. Come forth, God of Biotics!"

The director shifted the camera to the corner of the room. The Biotic God rose his head to the sky as if challenging the remaining gods to question his worth!

"Behold, servants of a doomed society, for my wrath has come at last! All that was, all that is, and all that will be shall be annihilated not by time, but by my infinite biotic might. Crumble before the great wind that will reshape the galaxy!"

And then it happened: the great wind emerged. An explosion of power burst from the center of The Biotic God, a torment of a wrathful deity incomprehensible to the lesser mortals who dared to witness it! Conrad and Blasto were thrown apart, Charr cried for his mother as he was ripped from gravity's graces. The Quarian didn't care. This must surely be a sign of the apocalypse. As long as she didn't go alone.

Crisp biotic waves ripped around the room with its master in the center of the storm. He reveled in his power finally unleashed upon the world! Let all be washed away in the wave of his biotic grip, crushed to nothingness to be reshaped in his image! This was it, the beginning of the end!

"Cut! Cut!" The director shouted. The biotics immediately ceased, thought The Biotic God's laughter did not. "Excellent work, special effects team! I knew spending ninety percent of the budget on one effect would be worth it!"

Charr got up and rushed to the Quarian, "Are you alright, tender lily?"

She slowly got up, "Is Conrad still alive?"

"Don't worry, I'm okay!" Conrad got up without a scratch.

The Quarian whined and began pounding the floor.

Conrad rose, "Alright, time for Blasto and I, Commander Shep-uh!" Conrad grunted in ecstasy, "Still good..."

Blasto said, "It appears your servant has achieved insanity. This one advises you to pray in the manner of your religion for forgiveness."

Conrad shook himself, "Gah, sorry. Alright menace, time to end this. Because we… have some asses to kick!"

Charr grunted, "Bring it on, spectre scum!"

"This one will with much rejoicing." Blasto pulled out a gun in every tentacle.

Charr's scream shattered nearby glass. He bolted from the set and ran straight through the drywall.

A crack formed from the hole of his departure, rising to the ceiling and loosening the truss holding the lights. The ceiling split and the truss came tumbling down, right on top of Blasto.

Conrad screamed, "Blasto! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"And cut! That was perfect, one take! Cut! Print! Tell my daughter to begin drafting Blasto six!"

The crew began to pack up the set. The Biotic God joined the mourning Quarian. "Yes, we feel your pain. The galaxy has lost a bright star this day."

She cried and pounded her fist into the ground, "Why couldn't it have landed just a little more to the right!? Why!? WHY!?"

Conrad lifted the scaffolding and threw it off of the actor. He shook the hanar, "Hey, you okay, pal?"

He-who-has-his-tentacles-stuck-up-his-own-radial-canal stirred, shaking and asking, "This one...lives to fight another day. You have this one's thanks, Commander Shepard."

Conrad broke into a fit of happy giggles, "D'aww, you can just call me Conrad now. Shoot's over, buddy."

"Shoot? Did this one shoot another criminal scum? This one certainly hopes it was more than just one. Regardless, This one believe we should continue this partnership. Two spectres are greater than one, it would seem."

Conrad beamed, "Wanna join the team?"

"For a time."

The Quarian hesitated, "Oh no...has he gone insane too?"

The director cut his call and answered, "Yeah, sometimes he gets hit in the head and forgets to break character. It wears off after a few weeks...I think."

Charr stumbled back into the room. "Is...is it safe?"

Blasto shot up, "It appears this one requires another bulletstorm."

Charr whimpered, his knees literally cackling.

Conrad got between them, "Hey, whoa whoa! He's on our side."

Blasto contemplated this, "...Very well. We will work with the cowardly one as well." He leaned in, "For now."

Blasto grabbed his rifles and stored them...in a way that made the Quarian throw up in her mask again. "This one will defer to your judgment in return for saving this one's life. Though if you attempt to engage in reproductive behavior with this one, we will attempt to do the same to you."

"...What?"

 _And so our merry-_

"Lies!" The Quarian shouted to God.

 _-band continues on their epic journey. The team has grown from our lone hero to a band of five loyal-_

"Stop talking!"

 _-comrades. But can they overcome what challenges the galaxy can summon against them? Can they band together and prove their worth?_

 _Find out next time in:_

 **Conrad Verner, Fires of Purpose!**


End file.
